


Interview with a Detective

by TitusOates



Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle, This Morning (TV) RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1725761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TitusOates/pseuds/TitusOates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson appear as guests on ITV's "This Morning"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interview with a Detective

PHILIP SCHOFIELD: So today on This Morning, we have a real treat for you! The world's most famous detective, who shot to fame in 1891 after his friend and biographer Dr John Watson published accounts of his amazing cases in the Strand Magazine, is back from literary Valhalla for an exclusive interview!

HOLLY WILLOUGBY: That's right! You've read the books, you've seen the TV shows, but please welcome, in the flesh, Mr Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Good morning.

JOHN WATSON: (waves)

PS: So, Mr Holmes - Sherlock - thanks for agreeing to do the show!

SH: Thank you for having me.

PS: And Dr Watson, too - welcome to the 21st century! How are you finding it so far?

JW: Fascinating! Absolutely incredible! And Holmes - Holmes loves it too, don't you Holmes?

SH: Indeed. I'm finding it very instructive.

JW: Why, just now, before the show began, we were in - what's it called -

SH: Starbucks Coffee.

JW: Yes, absolutely charming little place - anyway, we were in there sipping our (pause, followed by exaggerated pronunciation) _cappuccinos_ and Holmes was trying to make deductions about our fellow patrons. All wearing jeans and staring at screens of course. That's a new problem, you see. They could be doing a thousand different things on those toplaps or moving telephones and you wouldn't really know aside from a slight flattening of the fingertips.

SH: But at the same time, it presents marvellous deductive opportunities.

HW: So, did you find you could still make deductions?

SH: I had no way of ascertaining whether they were correct, and, having only arrived yesterday, I lack a comprehensive knowledge of 21st century occupations. But yes.

HW: What can you deduce about me?

SH: (laughs)

HW: I'm serious!

SH: (pause) Well, you're a family woman - children (pause) two children, so far.

HW: (nods)

SH: You don't spend a great deal of money on clothes. If you spend lavishly at all it would be on your home, or your children. You work hard, too, of course, but not as hard as people think. You enjoy what you do because it allows you to forget that deep down you're in fact a shy, timid person and -

JW: (glances at Holmes)

SH: ...and this morning you ate toast for breakfast.

HW: Absolutely right! That's amazing!

SH: Elementary.

PS: That's really extraordinary. Of course, Elementary is the title of one of the two newest adaptations of Sherlock Holmes for TV. It features Johnny Lee Miller as Sherlock Holmes a modern-day Londoner living in New York, fresh out of rehab and acting as a consultant to the NYPD. Let's watch a clip!

(CLIP OF SHERLOCK AND JOAN'S FIRST MEETING)

PS: So, what did you think?

JW: (speechless)

SH: Interesting. I like all the television screens.

JW: Is that supposed to be me?!

PS: The show puts a lot of emphasis on your battle with addiction. Can you tell us more about that?

SH: (pause) The only thing I've ever been addicted to is solving crimes. Anything else was merely recreation.

HW: But you did - you did take cocaine, wasn't it?

SH: In a seven per cent solution, yes.

JW: Attitudes were rather different in the 1890s. Although I did warn him countless times of the dangers, as a medical man! But Holmes never had a problem with drugs, he had a problem with - well -

SH: Mundane existence.

JW: Yes.

PS: How do you feel about being potrayed by Lucy Liu?

JW: (pause) As a matter of honest fact, quite flattered, as she is a lot prettier than I am.

(general laughter)

JW: It's nothing really new, though. There have been theories about me being a member of the fairer sex since - well, since our day.

SH: It's your artistic temperament, Watson.

JW: Nevertheless, had I been a woman growing up as I did in the 19th century, I would not have had the opportunity to practice as a doctor or join the army - I would never have been shot - and perhaps I would never have met Sherlock Holmes. I must say, I think it's wonderful that women in the 21st century can practice the medical profession - I am sure they make very good doctors.

SH: Terrible detectives, though, I would imagine.

JW: You never know, Holmes!

HW: Wasn't the one person who ever outsmarted you a woman?

SH: There were many people who outsmarted me. You wouldn't know from reading Watson's books, of course. He is very flattering. And tends to err heavily on the side of romanticism.

PS: But let's talk about Irene Adler. Did you really refer to her as "The Woman" ?

SH: Maybe once or twice.

PS: Were you in love with her?

SH: No.

HW: Have you ever been in love?

SH: What a question!

PS: We actually asked our twitter followers what would be the top question they would ask you if they had the chance, and most of the popular questions were about your love life.

JW: (laughs)

SH: (dismayed) Really?

PS: Really. That was the top response.

SH: But surely somebody must have wanted to know about the finer points of one of my cases or quibble with one of my monographs...

PS: Actually, no.

HW: Shall we reveal what the top question was?

PS: You don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But I must reassure you, attitudes are a lot more accepting now than they were a while ago, so you don't have to be afraid! The top question was... Well, are you gay?

SH&JW: _What?!_

PS: Are you and Dr Watson in a relationship - you know -

HW: Are you in love?

JW: (glances at Holmes nervously)

SH: That was... really... the number one question?

PS: Yep. Over 50% of our followers asked it. The others wanted to know about Irene Adler.

SH: (stunned)

HW: To be fair, we did have some other great questions. "Sherlockian1994" wanted to know what you would have done if you hadn't become a Consulting Detective.

SH: That's easy. Consulting Criminal!

HW: Really?!

SH: Naturally!

JW: Well, hang on a minute, Holmes. I don't think that's a fair answer. He would never be a criminal. He has too much of a conscience.

SH: Ah, you don't know me as well as you think you do, Watson!

JW: I always imagined him as an actor or a musician. Something on the stage. He's marvellously talented in both those areas. And of course, he loves showing off.

SH: Watson!

JW: In fact, your biggest failing as a criminal would undoubtedly stem from the fact that you would be categorically unable to refrain from telling everyone about your achievements. You would positively die if you had to keep everything under wraps.

SH: (pause) True.

JW: Aha!

PS: We also wanted to show you a clip of the hugely successful BBC adaptation of your novels, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes.

(CLIP OF JOHN FINDING SEVERED HEAD IN FRIDGE)

SH&JW: (laugh)

HW: Did that ever actually happen?

JW: What, a severed head? No - no thank God - but he was - is - incredibly messy. And yes, he did destroy Mrs. Hudson's wall with bullets.

SH: That was one occasion!

JW: Still doesn't make it appropriate.

SH: And something you couldn't possibly glean from his books is that Dr Watson is not exactly the easiest person to live with either!

JW: What! What do  _I_ do?

SH: Nothing! That's the problem. I thought I was lazy, but you! Why, I remember one time I was on a case, and you were sitting with your feet up as usual, following me about with your eyes as I did this and that. And then you had the audacity to say, "It's so refreshing, watching you work!" whilst you just lolled about on the sofa!

JW: Now, Holmes, that is unfair. I was an invalid!

SH: I _know_ I am lazy when I am between cases. But with you, it's a constant. It really is.

PS: Is there anything else that Dr Watson omitted from his books?

SH: Oh, heaps.

JW: My readers were far more interested in your habits than mine.

SH: Ha!

HW: What's Dr Watson's worst habit?

SH: Worst...? He's a dreamer. Incurable dreamer. Always has his head in the clouds. I was always incredibly surprised when he wrote up his case accounts that he had managed to notice anything of importance at all! You see, I am a man of science. I live in a world of facts and logic. He is a cloak-and-dagger novelist, and rather than seeing instructive examples and paradigms, he sees villains and damsels in distress. In some respects, it can be rather charming. But for a man like myself, with a profession such as I have, it is the greatest annoyance. As we saw today, that my so-called fans are primarily interested in my love affairs. They are not my fans. They are John Watson's fans. He makes me out as some sort of romantic hero. Do you know, when I still lived in Baker Street, I used to receive no less than three proposals per week from young ladies from around the globe? Can you imagine it? Me!

JW: (long pause) But you are a hero. I didn't exaggerate much. If anything, I held back lest my personal admiration for you be perceived as excessive.

PS: What was the biggest thing you invented for the sake of the narrative?

SH: (interjecting) His marriage.

JW: (shocked) Holmes!

SH: Watson never married. That's why you can never keep track of his wives. They didn't exist. One of them was supposed to be an orphan. One of them went for a visit to her mother's. One of them even calls him "James". That's how detatched he was from that particular little domestic scene. Couldn't remember his own name! Besides (pause, taking JW's hand) I would never have allowed it. 

JW: Oh, Holmes.

PS: Well! There we have it I suppose.

HW: Was it hard for you?

JW: (nods)

SH: I was never afraid of what people might think. I was more concerned with my work.

HW: Did it - your relationship - ever interfere with your work?

SH: Not as much as I feared it would.

JW: For me it was much harder. As a writer, I simply couldn't - I couldn't say what I wanted to say. (pause, then smiles) But it's funny that people figured it out anyway, despite all my efforts.

SH: The science of deduction, my dear Watson! Anyone could have solved that little mystery, I assure you.

PS: I'm afraid we're running out of time! As a final question, I wanted to ask both of you. Did you ever expect all this fame?

JW: Honestly? When I first put pen to paper to write A Study in Scarlet? No. And it wasn't popular immediately. But I suppose Holmes' genius really does have an enduring quality.

SH: I always hoped that my efforts would be... sufficiently recognised. But I am very flattered that I can sit here today, more than a century later, and tweet to fans. And for that I believe I have John Watson to thank. Detectives are rarely remembered. Heroes are.

PS: And that's all we've got time for today! A big thank you to our guests, Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. Until next time, goodbye!


End file.
